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Too many of us miss out on opportunities in life because we lack self-confidence. Whether it's public speaking, taking on a leadership role, or asking someone for a date, there are situations in which we just don't feel equipped to handle the challenges we face.
Russ Harris offers a surprising solution to low self-confidence, shyness, and insecurity: Rather than trying to "get over" our fears, he says, the secret is to form a new and wiser relationship with them. Paradoxically, it's only when we stop struggling against our fearfulness that we begin to find lasting freedom from it.
Drawing on the techniques of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a cutting-edge form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, The Confidence Gap explains how to:
• Free yourself from common misconceptions about what confidence is and how to build it
• Transform your relationship with fear and anxiety
• Clarify your core values and use them as your inspiration and motivation
• Use mindfulness to effectively handle negative thoughts and feelings.
- Sales Rank: #45317 in eBooks
- Published on: 2011-09-13
- Released on: 2011-09-13
- Format: Kindle eBook
Review
“This book could save you years of psychological struggle, yank you out of negative emotional patterns, and help propel you to a much happier, more productive life.”—Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star
“An exciting alternative to the usual approach of so many self-help books. Harris explains how we can work with ourselves as we are, rather than aggressively trying to alter ourselves. I’m impressed by the simple and effective methods of ACT.”—David Richo, PhD, author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships
“One of the most hopeful (and helpful) messages we can take away from this book is this: we can learn to do the things that matter, even when our minds say it’s not possible.”—Spirituality & Health
About the Author
Dr. Russ Harris is a physician, therapist, and speaker specializing in stress management. He travels nationally and internationally to train individuals and health professionals in the techniques of ACT. Born and educated in England, he now lives in Australia. For more information, visit actmindfully.com.au.
Most helpful customer reviews
116 of 121 people found the following review helpful.
Must read for overcoming doubt and fear!
By Barbara S. Reeves
Ah, just as I suspected: all that think-positive-Pollyanna-drivel is poppycock. According to Russ Harris, author of "The Confidence Gap", we evolved to think negatively. A hundred thousand years ago, if you weren't on constant vigil for dangers like lions, tigers, and bears in your environment, you didn't live very long, certainly not long enough to pass on your Pollyanna genes.
So thinking negatively is ingrained in us, and I'm happy to hear that because I sure was getting sick and tired of those Stuart Smalley daily affirmations.
"The Confidence Gap" is a guide to overcoming fear and self-doubt. As a recovering drug addict it's important, very important for me to learn how to deal with fear, because I always dealt with this problem with drugs and "liquid courage." That was my solution for overcoming low self-confidence, shyness, and insecurity.
Hellen Keller said that life is a daring adventure or nothing. If we're stifled by fear then our life will certainly be nothing. We'll stay stuck in our comfort zones as life passes us by. Harris lists four common reasons why we're afraid to leave our comfort zones:
1. Obstacles - our minds point out all the obstacles.
2. Self-judgements - our minds point out all our weaknesses.
3. Comparisons - our minds compare us to others who seem to be better than us.
4. Predictions - our minds predict failure.
Before I published my book, I thought it would be the greatest thing I'd ever accomplished, but as soon as it came out, I was attacked by self-judgements. I thought what I'd written was stupid, and of inferior quality, and I almost regretted doing it.
Even worse, I had to write for this website. Every time I wrote something and posted it, I would wake up in the middle of the night berating myself, "Stupid, stupid, stupid. I can't believe I wrote that." I wanted to give up. I discovered that I was "fusing" to these thoughts. That's all they were: thoughts. They were not based on fact, and if they were, so what?
Don't I have the right to say stupid things and make mistakes? So I continued to write and consider it all practice, because there's no way I'll ever get better if I don't continue to plug away. I "defused" from those negative thoughts. They still come up every time I write something, but now I can say, "There's that stupid, self-judging thought. Bye-bye stupid self-judging thought." So I was glad to read this quote from best-selling author Peter Carey in "The Confidence Gap": "Writing is being prepared to be stupid and make mistakes."
There's a lot more useful information in "The Confidence Gap" including Harris' golden rule for winning the confidence game: "The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later." There are nine more rules, so instead of listing them here, I'll recommend you buy the book and discover them yourself.
David Allan Reeves
Author of "Running Away From Me"
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
I really enjoyed reading this book.
By Brian Johnson
[[VIDEOID:18c79efd87835e012354485673fdb373]] “Whether you call it ‘lack of confidence,’ ‘fear of failure,’ ‘performance anxiety,’ or ‘self-doubt,’ the chances are it’s cost you dearly in your life. Take a moment to consider: What have you given up? What have you missed out on? What opportunities have you lost because of it?
Over the years, I’ve worked with literally thousands of people who have put their hopes, dreams, and ambitions on hold because they ‘don’t have enough confidence.’ And the sad thing is, this lack of confidence is not due to any fault of their own. It is certainly not because of stupidity, or laziness, or negative thinking, or a deprived childhood, or a chemical imbalance in the brain. It is simply because they do not know the rules of the confidence game. ...
On your journey, you’ll discover a revolutionary new approach to maximizing human potential: a model of change that is firmly based on cutting-edge research in human psychology. And you’ll learn to develop a mind-set known as psychological flexibility—a powerful mental state that enables you to respond effectively to fear, anxiety, and self-doubt. You’ll also learn to develop genuine, lasting self-confidence. And you’ll learn to enhance your performance in any area of your life—from sports, business, and creative arts to socializing, parenting, and sex!”
~ Russ Harris from The Confidence Gap
Russ Harris is one of the world’s leading authorities on one of the most cutting-edge forms of therapy known as Acceptance and Commitment Training, or ACT for short (pronounced like the word act not A.C.T.).
ACT is essentially a powerful blend of mindfulness training and cognitive behavioral therapy. I’ll be covering Russ’s first book (The Happiness Trap) soon where he provides a general intro to it.
This book is, as you probably guessed by now, all about helping us optimize our confidence. Russ basically tells us that we’ve been following the wrong rule book if we want to dial in our confidence. He presents 10 rules on how to win the game of confidence we’ll explore in the Note.
I'm excited to share some of my favorite Big Ideas:
1. Confidence Gap Defined - Thinking that feelings precede action.
2. 10 Rules - For winning the game of confidence.
3. Defusion + Workability - Two very important words.
4. Presto! Instant Success - The result of living your values.
5. FEAR -> DARE - How to make the switch.
More goodness— including PhilosophersNotes on 300+ books in our *OPTIMIZE* membership program. Find out more at brianjohnson . me.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
REDUNDANTLY HELPFUL
By robomacman
I judge the impact of a book by the amount of index notes I create on the very first pages of the book for quick review. My list is a two pages long. I purchased the book to read about the concept regarding FEAR and DARE, but I got so much more out of this. My understanding of confidence has expanded beyond Belief, Knowledge and Skill as I typically understood it. My behavior quite often fell into "have to feel confident first, then act" despite the desire to take action despite how I actually feel. I will now be better equipped to take Action in the midst of those negative, anxious feelings because I now know how to much better deal with them so I no longer stay Fused with them.
One of the best redundant things I like about this book is that he continually emphasizes that we all have the negative, anxious thoughts. I think, at least for myself, I have viewed my negative, anxious thoughts as an indicator that I am not ready or that they will overwhelm me. The concept of Notice, Name, Neutralize isn't new for me as I have read various forms of it over the years. However, the author's redundant emphasis on Acting in the midst of the feelings and the techniques he provides will be very helpful for me. I am looking forward to what new doors will open as I learn to not let my fear block me from Acting in accordance of my values and goals.
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